When Zack and Tiffany started counseling with me, they were on the verge of divorce after 16 years of marriage. Neither really wanted to end the marriage, yet both were miserable. Both of them believed that their misery was because of the other person, and both could clearly articulate what the other person was doing wrong.
Tiffany is just so distant and unaffectionate most of the time, and when we are together she is so critical of me. I cant seem to do anything right in her eyes. I try really hard to please her, but no matter what I do, its not good enough.
I just cant seem to connect with Zack. Hes a really nice guy but I just cant feel anything with him. I feel irritated with him a lot and I dont really know why. He just annoys me. I feel like hes always wanting something from me and I just dont like being around him. And hes so darn nice! Whats wrong with me that I dont like someone being so nice?
I could see immediately that the underlying problem in this relationship was that both Zack and Tiffany were stuck in various forms of controlling behavior, yet neither of them were consciously trying to control.
Zack was a caretaker. He tried to...