Fight or flight – our automatic response to danger. When fear is present, adrenaline pours into our system to prepare us to fight or flee – from the tiger, the bear, the lava from the volcano.
Fight or flight – today we automatically respond this way to the present dangers, the deep fears that come up in relationships: rejection and engulfment – fears of loss of other and loss of self.
Often, when we feel rejected and fear the loss of the other, we fight for love not to go away by defending, explaining, blaming, attacking, complying, fixing, or we flee through withdrawal. Often, when we feel engulfed and fear losing ourselves through being controlled by another, we flee through resistance or withdrawal, or fight by attacking, defending, or explaining. Just as our ancestors fought or fled from physical danger, we fight and flee from emotional danger. The problem is that, while fight or flight is appropriate in the face of physical danger, this same behavior in the face of emotional fear causes deep problems in relationships.
When we respond automatically to the fears of losing ourselves and losing another, we behave in the very ways...
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