A friend told me about a conflict she was having with her next door neighbor.
Due to a misunderstanding the neighbor was pretty upset, so much so that when they passed on the street and my friend said hello and reached out to shake his hand, he withdrew it, avoided eye contact, muttered a monotone hi and quickly walked past her.
She felt like shed been punched in the stomach. Stunned, she walked back to her house wondering what had just happened. It was even more upsetting because shed communicated with this man about the confusion that had initially caused the conflict, and she thought that hed understood her point of view. She wanted to find out what went wrong, but he clearly didnt want to discuss it.
We talked about the incident for a while, brainstorming strategies that would help her deal with this unexpected blow, but eventually I left her to think it over on her own.
A surprise attack is one of the hardest conflicts to handle. Its a shock to the system. Often the first reaction (after your heartbeat returns to normal) is to blame the other person or to blame yourself and to get caught in endless internal dialogue about who’s at fault...
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