Sam, age 42, had never been married. Its not that Sam had never fallen in love. But every time a relationship had started to move toward commitment, Sam ran.
When Sams loneliness became overwhelming to him, he called me for help.
I want to be in a relationship, yet every time I get close to someone, I run away. Im not even sure what Im so afraid of, but I must be terrified of something!
Sam, what happens inside you when you like someone? The following answer and resulting dialogue came out over time, but Ive condensed it here.
I think that if this person really knew me, she wouldnt like me. I do all kinds of nice things for her so she will like me. Then after a while I start to feel trapped and I pull back. She gets upset about my pulling back and I then feel even more trapped. Once she gets mad at me, I stop feeling in love with her. Thats when I decide she is not the right one for me. This has happened over and over.
So the first problem is that you believe that she wont like you when she gets to know you. Out of your fear of rejection, you try to control how she feels about you by doing nice things for her. But then you feel trapped and...