Mandy and Evan consulted with me for couples counseling because they were always bickering. Every little thing seemed to become an issue between them. They loved each other very much, but the bickering was certainly getting in the way of enjoying each other.
I ask Mandy and Evan to come up with some recent conflicts so I could experience what was happening between them. They had conflicts over time, money, child rearing, family, and chores. The dynamic between them was the same no matter what the issue: One of them would complain about something like the house being messy or the other person not being on time, and the other would argue, explain and defend. Then they would go back and forth, each one defending and explaining their position. Neither one listened to the other or even seemed to care about the others feelings or position. They would each get locked into their positions, seeing themselves as right and trying to convince the other person to see it their way. They had what I call a control-resist system.
In this system, one person approaches the other with an intention to win, to be right – to control. The other person, not wanting to be...
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