My clients often explain to me how they set a boundary. They tell me something like, I set a boundary. I told him he has to stop putting me down in public, or I set a boundary. I told her she has to be on time from now on, or I set a boundary. I told him he has to stop being critical of me.
This is not a boundary. A boundary is not about telling another person what to do. It is about telling another person what YOU will do in the face of the others continued unkind or undesirable behavior. While it is hard for most people to accept, we cannot control anothers behavior. What we can control is our own response in the face of others behavior.
A boundary is about telling your truth and taking action on it. For example:
Im no longer willing to be with you in public when you put me down. The next time you do that, I will announce to everyone that Im unwilling to be put down by you any more. Then I will leave and take the car or a cab home.
Im no longer willing to be late to events because of you being late. The next time you are late, I will leave without you. If you continue to be late, then I will just plan on taking separate cars.
Your constant...
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